It’s a fact of life that husbands and wives will fight. Why do they fight in the first place? What causes marital discord?
We’ll look at 10 of the most common reasons husbands and wives fight and explore possible solutions for each.
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Wrong assumptions
One of the biggest reasons why couples fight is because they make wrong assumptions about each other. For example, a husband might assume that his wife is okay with him working late every night when in reality, she feels neglected and unimportant.
Or a wife might assume that her husband is okay with her spending money freely when he is actually worried about the family’s financial security.
Making assumptions is dangerous in any relationship, and, in fact, it’s a recipe for disaster! A wrong assumption about your spouse’s thoughts, beliefs and intentions can quickly lead to an argument. Rather than assuming that you know what your partner is thinking, enquire first. Maybe your assumption is right, maybe it’s wrong; the only way you will truly know is by asking your spouse a question.
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Unrealistic Expectations
Another common reason husbands and wives argue is that they have unrealistic expectations of each other. For example, a wife might expect her husband to always know how she’s feeling, or a husband might expect his wife to always be in the mood to make love.
Expecting your spouse to be perfect is not only unrealistic, but it’s also unfair. Marriage is a partnership, and both must communicate their needs and expectations openly and honestly. If you’re expecting too much from your spouse, you’ll likely end up feeling disappointed and frustrated.
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Careless words
It’s often said that ‘words have power’ or ‘life and death is in the power of the tongue.’ Everyone has felt the sting of a careless word, especially in a marriage.
Arguments often start because one spouse says something carelessly without thinking about the consequences. For example, a husband might joke about his wife’s weight, or a wife might criticise her husband’s job performance. These careless words can quickly lead to an argument, so be mindful of what you say to your spouse and choose to encourage rather than be careless with your words.
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Unmet needs
We all have specific needs that make us feel happy and content in our marriage. When these needs are not met, it can lead to frustration and resentment.
In marriage, it’s crucial to ensure that your spouse’s needs are met. If your wife feels like she’s always the one taking care of the house and the kids, she’s likely to feel resentful. Similarly, if your husband feels like he’s always the one working long hours to support the family, he’s likely to feel resentful.
When needs are unmet, it’s essential to communicate openly with your spouse about your feelings. It’s also important to be willing to compromise and make adjustments to meet each other’s needs.
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Lack of communication
One of the biggest reasons why marriages fail is because couples stop communicating with each other. They stop sharing their thoughts and feelings and stop trying to understand each other’s points of view.
Communication is the key to marital success. It allows couples to work through their differences and helps them build a strong connection. Often busyness is the enemy of healthy communication, so remember to invest in your relationship by communicating regularly.
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Financial stress
Money is one of the most common reasons why couples fight. This is because money is often a source of stress and anxiety, especially in today’s economy.
If you’re constantly fighting with your spouse about money, it’s important to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Are you both on the same page about your financial goals? Are you both spending and saving money in a way that makes sense for your family? Was money managed badly in your childhood and you’re fearful of the same thing happening in your relationship?
If you’re unsure how to resolve your financial disagreements, seeking professional help might be helpful. A financial planner or counsellor can help you create a budget that works for your family and find ways to reduce your financial stress.
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Different parenting styles
Parents often have different parenting styles, which can lead to conflict if they’re not on the same page. For example, one parent might be more lenient with discipline while the other parent is more strict. Or one parent might believe in using time-outs while the other believes in verbal reasoning.
It’s important to remember that there is no right or wrong parenting style. What matters most is that you’re both consistent with your parenting and providing a loving home for your children.
If you have disagreements about parenting, communicate openly with your spouse and come to a compromise. It might also be helpful to read books or articles about different parenting styles so that you can better understand each other’s points of view.
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Extended family conflict
Conflict with extended family members is another common reason why couples fight. In-laws can be wonderful, but they can also be a source of stress and anxiety, especially if they start to meddle in your marriage.
It’s important to remember that your spouse is your partner, not your extended family. You should be able to rely on your spouse for support, even if your family members are causing problems.
If you have disagreements about extended family members, it may be helpful to set healthy boundaries to ensure that both your family and your extended family can spend time together when necessary but still have plenty of time apart.
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Lack of intimacy
Intimacy is integral to marriage, but it’s often one of the first things to go when couples start fighting. If you’re not feeling close to your spouse, it can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation.
There are many reasons why couples might stop being intimate with each other. One common reason is that they’re too busy with work and family obligations. Another reason is that there is a lot of unresolved anger between each other.
If you want to improve your intimacy, you must communicate with your spouse about what you’re feeling. It’s also important to make time for each other and to find ways to be physically close, even if you’re not engaging in intimate activity.
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Time
Couples often fight about how to spend their time. One spouse might want more time together while the other wants more time apart. Not having enough time is a common source of stress and can lead to resentment.
It’s essential to communicate how you’re feeling and find a compromise that works for both of you. It might be helpful to schedule regular date nights or to take turns choosing how to spend your free time.
The Solution
It all boils down to communication—healthy communication is the key to a great relationship. When each person can take responsibility for their attitude and behaviour, rather than ending up in a yelling match and resorting to name calling, that couple will be on the right track to a healthier marriage.
It’s important to remember that all couples fight. Fighting is a normal part of marriage, but it doesn’t have to be hurtful or ruin your relationship. Many couples have found that The Marriage Playbook helps improve communication whilst giving actionable steps to ensure that couples fight fairly and build a stronger marriage.
